I know it’s like “a thing” for girls to fall in love with gay guys, but it had never happened to me until I learned about Cole Escola. I think I saw Cole’s picture for the first time in some Time Out NY article, and my first thoughts were a jumbled mess of “He’s cute! I want to look like him! He reminds me of a scented eraser I’d be tempted to obsessively sniff and then bite chunks out of! I want to see his penis!” Sometimes my sexual impulses have no rhyme or reason. I just shut my eyes, tune in, and let them come to me like I’m the dick/vagina whisperer or something.

When Cole entered my life and my heart he was mostly known for a web series of hilarious videos he did with his friend Jeffery Self. The two gays put these out under the name VGL Gay Boys, and they became so popular that LOGO eventually offered them their own show called Jeffery and Cole Casserole. The show ran for two seasons and then got pulled, causing me to want to take my own life. This is one of the many clips of Cole that I’d watch over and over on Youtube:

I love his hair and I love the way his mouth moves. In my mind I describe him as a way more limp-wristed Bud Cort, which probably doesn’t seem like a compliment, but I mean it as one.

After telling people close to me in life that I had found the person I wanted to lose my boy virginity to, I set out to “get it”—whatever “it” was (the clap, the HIV, crabs, a baby)—by obtaining two press tickets to a live comedy performance that Cole was doing at Joe’s Pub. I’m pretty sure I literally scared the crap out of this guy because prior to the show I messaged him on Facebook with some form of “Where’s the party?” inquiry, and took his reply of “There’s an afterparty at blah blah blah, you can come if you think you can keep up” to mean that I’d be in a full-on committed relationship with him within 24 hours.

The night of the show rolled around and my date and I kept getting into arguments to the effect of “I’m not gonna stand by and watch you throw yourself at some gay dude,” to which I was like, “Um, I don’t even like you anyway.” I was so excited to see Cole in person that I think I blacked out during the show. All I remember is that he was wearing salmon colored women’s shoes and that at some point I had the epiphany that he probably for-real only liked butt sex. Not one to give up easily, I opened the night’s possibilities to the forces that be by lingering around outside after the show, getting drunk in public. At some point, while pressing my forehead up to the glass of the venue to see if I could spot him making his way out, a huge bug flew into my mouth, and I took that as a sign to go home.

Cole, if you’re reading this, I want you to know that I still love you. I mean I LOVE you, and if you’re ever feeling experimental, I think we should start a family. OK? Call me! It’s God’s plan.

Previously - Joan from Mad Men